“Well, as we grow older we evolve so we can appreciate the things most important to us – for me that’s basically the contents of bins and breasts.”

Getting old isn’t as easy as it used to be. Incontinence pants for one – now there’s a group over at the home who don’t believe in them, ‘bladder gamblers’ we call them. Now I’ve always worn them, well since about 1903, and I’ve never been much of a gambling man, but last week I decided to get my feet wet. I tell you this, I’m not trying that again – those blasted y-fronts can barely soak up a quarter of a pint. I was sodden.