Cut to 1974 and I am cast in the pivotal role of ‘Man in Pub’ in Coronation Street after a chance meeting in a public toilet with a producer who fancies my potential…quite vigorously.

I last for seven episodes, finally leaving over a dispute concerning the outrageous beer prices. This is, of course, the break which leads, in 1992 to my being offered ‘Man on Stool’ in Eastenders, narrowly missing out on the much-vaunted role ‘Fat Bloke with Beard’. I decline the opportunity due to my plumbago, which has in fact been caused by over-experience of stools…